When is the last time you woke up from a really wonderful dream? I honestly can not remember the last time I have dreamt something so magical that I woke up with a smile on my face...especially on a Monday. However, this morning, I woke up from the most spectacular dream. I was dreaming about my upcoming 30th birthday which is in 90 days, 16 hours, 11 minutes and 17...16...15 seconds (not that anyone is counting). I have been dreading this birthday since driving home from Disneyland on my 29th birthday. I started a countdown that next Monday...363 days...and now I am down to 90. Normally I love birthdays and I am determined to not be that woman that pretends she is 45 when she is really 50 or who whines at every upcoming birthday like I would whine about needing a root canal, and yet this birthday is making me a little uneasy. My 10 year high school reunion came and went this past year and although the event planners couldn't get an event together that enticed enough people (20 people bought tickets...yikes...) I have to say I am glad nothing happened. Other then surviving these last 10 years since graduating high school I have really done nothing that I would be happy to announce. No children, no marriage, no amazing job, nothing that would make my eyes sparkle when asked the expected question of: what have you been up to since high school? When I was graduating I would have sworn that by this time I would be married, have a few children to bus around, and I was sure as hell under the impression that I would be doing something other then the job I have now. Anything other then the job I have now. In the past few years I will admit the occasional (ok so not so occasional and more like once a week) gut-wrenching moments of feeling my uterus dry up whilst my face becomes wrinkled and "crypt-keeper-like" before my very eyes. It seems every day another friend gets married, has a child, lands and amazing job, buys a house, does SOMETHING that signifies that they are grown-up. Then I look at my life and the biggest thing I have done recently is learn how to make salsa, which while delicious is in no way a step in the grown-up direction.
I have had days filled with pure dread and disappointment with what I have turned my life into, or not turned my life in to. Was I asleep on career day at school? Should I have been nicer to boyfriend #4 and maybe I would be married by now? Should I have maybe studied something smart rather then something that I loved in college? Will I die an old maid with a house full of cats and Disney trinkets because I failed to make something of myself? Some days are really bad, like don't want to get out of bed bad, and other days something simple like my miniature garden producing yummy herbs will make me smile and realize that everything is going to be alright (thank you Bob Marley).
Despite all of this "I hate my life and its direction" feeling (and by no means to I hate my life as much as I wish it was a tad more sparkly) this dream I had last night was joyous and fun and I was surprised at how "at-ease" I was while staring at the beastly event of turning 30. I was surrounded by my friends and family, I was dancing in a rather puffy party dress, and there was glitter...lots of glitter. I woke up and thought, even though I am not a Mrs. ______ (insert name here), I don't have a few rug-rats to scream "MOM" when they need another juice box, and I don't answer my work phone "Mrs. So-and-So, President of Disney how can I help you?" I am doing ok. I have an amazing group of kick-ass friends, I have a brother and sister that I love and adore more then anything (even Disney....GASP) and 2 cats that in the midst of driving me coo-coo clock crazy fill my life with love :)
I have been rocketing toward my 30th birthday at an alarming speed and it has often felt like I am on a run-away roller coaster (I hate roller coasters) that goes up and down and has loopdy-loops and spirals that cause my stomach to become lodged in my throat. I have been either white-knuckling it or hiding my eyes in fear while screaming at the top of my lungs "MAKE IT STOP". Try as I might to slow this puppy down and get off that just ain't possible, so after last night and with this new adventure to explore rather then scream and cry I am going to throw my hands up, give out a Xena Warrior Princess yell of "wahooooooooooooooooooo" and enjoy the ride. 30....here I come, ready or not.
No comments:
Post a Comment