Gettin sh*t done!!!

I have 3 reoccurring dreams:  1) I discover it is the day of Halloween and I have not put up a single Halloween decoration and I am overcome by stress and guilt and anger.  2) My Christmas tree has turned brown (either by magic or because I forgot to water it...it changes every time) and I am crying over the question of whether or not I take all of the decorations off and go and get a new one.  3) I am running to the airport (late) and I am on my way to somewhere in Europe and I realize as I am picking up my plane ticket that I don't have a passport.  Not that I forgot mine, no, that I don't have one. 

While the first two dreams shine a spot-light on my OCD fascination with over planning and overdoing things...particularly around the holidays...the third one brings into focus the issue of me a) not having traveled anywhere in the world (and I mean anywhere...not even to the 18 year old infested, puke covered streets of TJ after high school graduation) and not only not having been anywhere but not even being prepared to GO anywhere.  If someone today said "I have a plane ticket to **insert amazing destination here** do you want to go?" I wouldn't be able to go because I don't have a passport.  So while I sit and dream of going to exotic places one day I am doing myself a disservice by not even taking the smallest of steps and getting a passport, which is needed to travel, because as shining as my smile might be it wont get me into another country...sadly.  So my mission for next week...to apply for my passport.  Then I will officially be able to say: have passport--will travel :)

Then the world will truly be my oyster.

**ok so I was going to put a picture of planet earth on this entry to drive home the "Hattie is taking the world by storm" (once I get my mittens on a passport) but instead I chose a picture of a shark because little brings me joy more then scaring my sister :)

Hello my name is Hattie and I have an addiction.

I have an addiction.  I am addicted to event planning.  I am addicted to the rush I get, the happiness I feel, and the undeniable and inevitable stress that planning an event (big or small) brings.  I have embraced the fact that I have this addiction and I have even asked for help at times from my friends and family to curtail my blood lust for planning events.  Any time I get wind that there is a birthday coming up, a promotion at work, a pets birthday, or a day ending in "y" I get this overwhelming sensation that we should do something to celebrate!  I immediately get visions of sparkling wine glasses, overflowing trays of appetizers, and friends and family gathered around laughing and joking.  Very Hallmark.  The problem with this addiction comes in many shapes and forms.  First off, despite our world being taken over by every kind of gadget, social networking site, email, text, skype, whatever it may be, I find it difficult if not impossible at times to get any kind of response from people whom I want to invite.  No matter how many text messages, emails, facebook chats I send people there are times when I can not coax a response from someone any easier then asking a fat kid to give up a cupcake.  Not.gunna.happen.  I have to say that sometimes I get offended by these non-responses because I always think clearly it is me and not this most fabulous event I am planning that is turning people away because who wouldn't just love to sit around and gossip whilst sipping wine and eating yummy food?  I mean really?  How hard is it to send a text back?  An email?  An effing smoke signal.  No.  Yes.  Be there!  Bells on!  Something that indicates to me in some sort of communicable language that you are interested in this event or that you would rather be swimming in a bathtub filled with piranhas.  I get it.

Secondly it is the whole issue of food and drink.  I love me a party, but my checkbook don't love it so much.  Parties are expensive.  No matter how amazing your friends are (and my friends are some of the most amazing) the hostest does take on an added charge because of that fear of running out of cheese dip or hearing the dreaded "are we out of wine?" only an hour into the party **cringe**.  I take this risk of danger to a whole new level though (hence the obsessive addiction) and I often spend boatloads of money on every possible item that could be, might be, or should be needed at any given event.  A casual night around the fire-pit turns into a few hundred dollar expenditure because wine-gods forbid what if we run out of pitted olives faster then non-pitted olives?  Martha Stewart would not be proud! 

Third it is the clean up pre, during, and post that is an undertaking.  Again if you have those folks that show up-destroy your humble abode-and then bounce the second someone mentions that the dishes are piling up this can be a huge issue.  Once again my friends are every party planners hope and dream and I am often offered with help to set up, clean up, and my trash is never full.  However it is still that material toll that your house undergoes every time you host a party.  Glasses get broken, food you didn't intend to serve gets eaten, bottles of wine you were saving for a "special occasion" are opened with gusto after one too many glasses of wine consumed by the hostess....ohhh the burn!  Stuff happens! 

However despite all of these hurdles and costly items that come with event planning like an addict I can not let go.  I can not NOT think of planning something every time someone mentions some sort of minuscule turn of events that naturally (right?) should be turned into a party.  "Everyone to my house!" is not something that I can keep out of my vocabulary, it just aint happening.  So now as we enter into my favorite time of year when on top of all of the calendared events that crowd the next 3 months I am sure I will plan a few "days that end in y" parties despite any issues my checkbook has with it, my calendar has with it, or my sanity has with it.  I am a lady who loves a party!  So keep your eyes peeled for my next text message, facebook invite, or keep your eyes to the sky for a smoke signal cause its coming!!  And I better get a response........juuuust sayin ;)

Age aint nuthin but a number.....right?

So not to beat a dead horse, but I am getting older.  I know there are those out there reading this that are older then I am and rolling their eyes at the simple suggestion that I would consider myself old, so let me be clear, I am not saying I am old I am saying I am getting older.  Now that statement is a big huge "no-duh" to most people as every year we have a birthday that symbolizes this great event of us being on year older...ya I get that...however I have only recently started to experience actual moments of "feeling older". 

Example #1: My bedtime rituals.
The other night as I was crawling into bed I started laughing at how my bed time ritual has gone from 5 minutes max to now close to 30 minutes.  I remember the days when I would come home from a rough night of drinking-- probably room temperature Popov and most likely straight out of the bottle (ahhhh college years)--I would stumble into my bed and pass out often times with one shoe still on, some sort of midnight snack held tight in my fist, and possibly have my purse with me...maybe not.  Now, with my highly inebriated days much less in number then when I was 21, I find that the process from thinking about getting into bed to actually getting into bed has multiplied exponentially.  Now I use 3 different types of lotions (face, body, and feet...yes feet...) when I use to just slather myself in cheap Suave lotion from head to toe.  I take a bevy of vitamins for a whole multitude of things I want to prevent or make better.  I take birth control pills, I floss nightly (did I even know floss existed in college?) I have overnight product for my hair, etc. etc.  I mean really I keep CVS in business with all of the crap I use just to go to bed!!  When did this happen?  When did I stop using the cheapest products...and about 2 of them....to "only the best" and about 20 of them.  I have chap stick next to my bed because GAWD FORBID I wake up in the middle of the night with chapped lips!!  I have eye drops, lavender lotion for when I find it hard to sleep (even after an over the counter sleeping pill).  REALLY?  I am going to be adding Bengay and adult diapers to my routine faster then you can slap a tick!!  I thought about taking some of the products and rituals out of my nightly routine...but then again WOULD I do with chapped lips?  I mean I shudder at the thought.

Example #2: That lovely yearly check up.
Let's face it there is no way in hell that our lady yearly check-up could ever, and I mean ever, be made to be remotely enjoyable.  I have given it much thought.  What if they gave you a foot massage during, what if they served you wine before, during, and after, what if they ACTUALLY WARMED UP THE METAL DUCK TOOL OF TERROR?!?!  I have come to the conclusion that no, none of these items would make this appointment any more enjoyable.  So as ladies we have to suffer yearly this horrible humiliating torture that is in no way shape or form fun.  Well this past appointment was all kinds of fun for me and I ONCE AGAIN (I am yelling a lot on this post....I hate this appointment so much) get "offered" the male nursing student who would like to watch and learn.  Ummmmm.  No.  I am not game for that.  The one time (again I get this every time) I saw this "student" he was eagerly sitting by my exam room as I approached and he looked my age.  I wanted to ask him: so after this whole thing, if I see you downtown at a club are you going to buy me a drink?  Cause usually it takes a few margaritas to get to see what you are about to...juuust sayin.  So after I said no to this young man, who I am sure will make a fine doctor some day after studying someone else's hoo-ha, my doctor took me in and in the middle of my normal "how is your health? are you on any kind of medication?" battery of questions she asked me if I have considered "permanent birth control".  As horrible visions of Nazi sterilization experiments flashed through my head I squeaked out "what do you mean permanent birth control?"..............now came the humdinger of a response...........she looked at me and said "well women your age have typically had their children by now or they are in a place in their life where they are thinking of having children in the very near future".  All right lady, already I am sitting cold and naked in an exam room with nothing but a napkin wrapped around me as thin as effing prosciutto and while I might not be in a serious relationship (or any relationship for that matter) this is not the flipping 1600's when my value as a woman was measured by how many sons I had by age 12!!  Times have changed!  Now-a-days we have computers that fit in your pocket and cars that park themselves!!  I will just take birth control pills thank you very much" she went on kicking and said "well the good news is if everything in your tests come back normal you wont have to be back for 2 years?!  What?  That is amazing!!  I had the ridiculous inkling to ask why...because I am an idiot...and she said "women of your age only need to come every 2 years"  THERE SHE GOES AGAIN WITH THE WOMEN OF MY AGE!!!  I gritted my teeth and I said: "Oh goody" and then got to enjoy the rest of my appointment with no foot rub, no wine, and a freezing dead cold metal duck tool.  Joy oh joy.  Can't wait till my next appointment in 2 years.  I will have to be careful, I will be almost 32 at that point and they might try to sell me off to a glue farm when I am not looking...sneaky bastards.

Fairy tails can come true...they can happen to you...if your young at heart!

I am so excited I just can't hide it!  I am bouncing off the walls in my prison cell of an office, feet tapping on the desk, shaking my arms in the air because (drum roll please) I AM GOING TO DISNEYLAND.  Now anyone that knows me knows that I go to Disneyland every year for my birthday and I will continue this until I have no more birthdays to celebrate.  I love it there.  However this trip is an extra special trip...this trip I am not only going to Disneyland with my most bestest friend in the whole wide world, but we have reservations for lunch at Club 33.  If you don't know what Club 33 is, take a second and google it and bask in the majesty of its exclusivity...go ahead....I will wait here..............

 OK!  So now that you know how AMAZING this opportunity is you can be appropriately jealous.  Yay!!  For as long as I have known about this exclusive club I have wanted to enjoy a meal there.  I mean yes I would love to join and be a member some day but the thousands of dollars a year in dues is juuuust out of my price range at the moment...14 years wait list or not.  I have always wanted to hunt someone out and see if I could swindle my way into getting a reservation from them.   Well my swindling days are over (at least for this adventure)!!  I have found an in!!  With this "in" we get into the Disneyland park for free...both parks...and we get to enjoy our 5 star lunch above the busy bustling streets of Disneyland's New Orleans Square.  We will be able to do what no one else in the park can do...sip adult beverages while we dine!!!  Ahhhhhh!!  It sounds kind of silly to pay this much for a meal (averages about $100 dollars a plate) just to sip on a beverage that will most likely cost about 3 times as much as they normally do, but to fully appreciate your overpriced experience you have to love Disney like we do.  The entire restaurant is filled with rare Disney memorabilia, and it is a place that Disney designed himself to be a sort of get away from the hustle and bustle of the park for super VIPs.  So in a little more then 22 hours my bestest friend Amanda and I will be one of those super VIPs and enjoy another one of the wonders that Disney has to offer!  We will take the park by storm like kids in a candy shop.  Stopping only to click our heels in the ecstatic joy of being at a place where your age flies out the window and you can feel comfortable acting like a kid again.

The game of life

When you are younger you are asked quite often what you want to be when you grow up, a firefighter, a ballerina, a movie star?  Games like M.A.S.H and Life are built around the idea that when you grow up you have certain things, a job, a spouse, children, and if you were like me if you didn't end up living in a mansion with your car filled with children then you just started the game over.  Hidden behind those innocent childhood games are strong messages to get a career, marry, and have children and then you will be happy and you will officially be "grown-up".  As I rocket toward my 30th birthday I look around and I realize I have none of those things.  Yes I am technically employed, but one thing that I missed on career day was that a) its a lot harder to become a movie star then I believed, and b) having a job and having a career are two separate kettle of fish.  I am not married.  Not only am I not married but I am closer to becoming the next Pope then I am to walking down the isle in a white dress.  I don't have any children, and while I think of my cats as my children, I don't have the "Sunday walks in the park pushing a baby buggy" type of children.  In my mid twenties I had a sort of mid-twenties-crisis over these 3 facts.  I fully expected to be 25, married, children, house with a white picket fence, etc.  That is what a 16 year old girl always dreams of, to have the full package, and we are taught that without these said items we weren't part of an elusive club of "normal" grown ups.  I admit that I have made some horrible relationship and life choices because of this pressure to marry and have children.  Hell there was a time when I would have married anything (and I did) with a pulse to fill that mold that I had been dreaming of since adolescence.  So many painful and expensive mistakes just to force myself and my life to be something that I now realize is nothing I want.  I mean sure I would love to meet someone some day that I could see myself spending some years with, and who knows if I ever meet someone that displays any kind of responsibility to someone other then themselves sure I might want to multiply with that person, who knows.  The bottom line is I don't have to.  I don't have to get married, I don't have to have children, and I don't have to be a movie star or an astronaut in order to be "successful".  As I have mentioned before turning 30 was a scary (and is still sort of scary) idea for me.  A lot of that I think had to do with a feeling of leaving my 20's unfulfilled, unaccomplished, with little more under my belt then "I survived my 20's and all I got was this lousy shirt".  Thinking about it though, I think I have accomplished a lot more by refusing to succumb to the life standards put before me during my Jr. High and High School years.  I did not marry the first man in my sights and start procreating like a rabbit on steroids in a desperate attempt to build the perfect dream life.  I made it through the gauntlet of my 20s...well 68 days...again who's counting ;) and I made it through college, kept myself employed and in good tax paying standing with the government (gold star much?....ahem) I have a great home and 2 cats that drive me insane but who I can't imagine having to live without, I have a sister and brother and a close knit group of friends that I wouldn't trade all of the tea in China for.  If I was playing a game of Life I would be losing....but I am playing my game of life...and clearly I appear to be winning.