So not to beat a dead horse, but I am getting older. I know there are those out there reading this that are older then I am and rolling their eyes at the simple suggestion that I would consider myself old, so let me be clear, I am not saying I am old I am saying I am getting older. Now that statement is a big huge "no-duh" to most people as every year we have a birthday that symbolizes this great event of us being on year older...ya I get that...however I have only recently started to experience actual moments of "feeling older".
Example #1: My bedtime rituals.
The other night as I was crawling into bed I started laughing at how my bed time ritual has gone from 5 minutes max to now close to 30 minutes. I remember the days when I would come home from a rough night of drinking-- probably room temperature Popov and most likely straight out of the bottle (ahhhh college years)--I would stumble into my bed and pass out often times with one shoe still on, some sort of midnight snack held tight in my fist, and possibly have my purse with me...maybe not. Now, with my highly inebriated days much less in number then when I was 21, I find that the process from thinking about getting into bed to actually getting into bed has multiplied exponentially. Now I use 3 different types of lotions (face, body, and feet...yes feet...) when I use to just slather myself in cheap Suave lotion from head to toe. I take a bevy of vitamins for a whole multitude of things I want to prevent or make better. I take birth control pills, I floss nightly (did I even know floss existed in college?) I have overnight product for my hair, etc. etc. I mean really I keep CVS in business with all of the crap I use just to go to bed!! When did this happen? When did I stop using the cheapest products...and about 2 of them....to "only the best" and about 20 of them. I have chap stick next to my bed because GAWD FORBID I wake up in the middle of the night with chapped lips!! I have eye drops, lavender lotion for when I find it hard to sleep (even after an over the counter sleeping pill). REALLY? I am going to be adding Bengay and adult diapers to my routine faster then you can slap a tick!! I thought about taking some of the products and rituals out of my nightly routine...but then again WOULD I do with chapped lips? I mean I shudder at the thought.
Example #2: That lovely yearly check up.
Let's face it there is no way in hell that our lady yearly check-up could ever, and I mean ever, be made to be remotely enjoyable. I have given it much thought. What if they gave you a foot massage during, what if they served you wine before, during, and after, what if they ACTUALLY WARMED UP THE METAL DUCK TOOL OF TERROR?!?! I have come to the conclusion that no, none of these items would make this appointment any more enjoyable. So as ladies we have to suffer yearly this horrible humiliating torture that is in no way shape or form fun. Well this past appointment was all kinds of fun for me and I ONCE AGAIN (I am yelling a lot on this post....I hate this appointment so much) get "offered" the male nursing student who would like to watch and learn. Ummmmm. No. I am not game for that. The one time (again I get this every time) I saw this "student" he was eagerly sitting by my exam room as I approached and he looked my age. I wanted to ask him: so after this whole thing, if I see you downtown at a club are you going to buy me a drink? Cause usually it takes a few margaritas to get to see what you are about to...juuust sayin. So after I said no to this young man, who I am sure will make a fine doctor some day after studying someone else's hoo-ha, my doctor took me in and in the middle of my normal "how is your health? are you on any kind of medication?" battery of questions she asked me if I have considered "permanent birth control". As horrible visions of Nazi sterilization experiments flashed through my head I squeaked out "what do you mean permanent birth control?"..............now came the humdinger of a response...........she looked at me and said "well women your age have typically had their children by now or they are in a place in their life where they are thinking of having children in the very near future". All right lady, already I am sitting cold and naked in an exam room with nothing but a napkin wrapped around me as thin as effing prosciutto and while I might not be in a serious relationship (or any relationship for that matter) this is not the flipping 1600's when my value as a woman was measured by how many sons I had by age 12!! Times have changed! Now-a-days we have computers that fit in your pocket and cars that park themselves!! I will just take birth control pills thank you very much" she went on kicking and said "well the good news is if everything in your tests come back normal you wont have to be back for 2 years?! What? That is amazing!! I had the ridiculous inkling to ask why...because I am an idiot...and she said "women of your age only need to come every 2 years" THERE SHE GOES AGAIN WITH THE WOMEN OF MY AGE!!! I gritted my teeth and I said: "Oh goody" and then got to enjoy the rest of my appointment with no foot rub, no wine, and a freezing dead cold metal duck tool. Joy oh joy. Can't wait till my next appointment in 2 years. I will have to be careful, I will be almost 32 at that point and they might try to sell me off to a glue farm when I am not looking...sneaky bastards.
No comments:
Post a Comment